So Does This Mean We Signed that Petition for Nothing?

Paris Hilton's lawyers finally realized that looking like a whiny little bitch wasn't really helping her public image and penned a (very convincing) statement of, well, not apology really. "She" (read: Paris's flack) never says she's sorry for drinking and driving or driving on a suspended license. Because actually saying, "I'm sorry" would make Paris Hilton look human. When we all know that she's actually an imposter from the planet Xargon (where all beings are limited to a thirty-word vocabulary) sent to Earth to destroy our culture with vacuousness. We're kind of surprised the breathalyzer didn't catch that, actually.

Taking a cue from George Michael's heartfelt plea yesterday, Paris released this statement:

"After reading the media's coverage of my court hearing, I feel the need to correct what I believe are misperceptions about me. I absolutely realize how serious driving under the influence is. I could not live with myself if anyone was injured or killed while I was driving while impaired. Clearly, no one should - no matter how slightly. I am ready to face the consequences of violating probation. No one is above the law. I surely am not. I do not expect to be treated better than anyone else who violated probation. However, my hope is that I will not be treated worse."

Very impressive, Paris. Using big, scary words like misperceptions and consequences must have been hard. Did you have to pick up a really, really heavy dictionary? Were you really confused when you turned to the Ks and couldn't find konsekwentses? Ah, whatever. We know Paris didn't write it. She was probably at Kitson while her lawyers composed it. There's no way a girl who has to pay someone to read her mail could do that. If she can't even read "You may have already won $10,000,000! Love, Ed McMahon," there's no way she could string together eight entire sentences without any mistakes.